Surgery at Lansdowne

OK...so I had to get some minor surgery at Inova Hospital in Lansdowne today. They put me "under" and I'm not supposed to (and I'm not kidding, this is printed in their literature) "make any important decisions for 24 hours" -- so in lieu of deciding to make a major purpose or enter into a contract, I've decided to post a new blog.

The best part of this story starts on Wednesday. I had my regular doctor set up the appointment at the surgical center and they called me earlier in the week to let me know. But, on Wednesday, I decided to call the Surgery center to confirm and make sure all was set up.
The lady on the phone was very polite and she starts rattling off all the details. You know, "don't eat or drink anything for 24 hours, show up at 9:30 with your insurance card and drivers license and be sure someone is there to drive you home, bla, bla, bla..."

Then she says "your Vasectomy will take about...." At that point you could hear the record screech in the background.

"Wait!" I tell her as my knees weaken and the blood rushes from my head "I'm not getting a va....va...va....vasectomy"

"Umm...err...umm....you're not?"

"No...not at all I tell her, I'm getting procedure X done"

"Umm...err..umm...please hold"

OK...I could go on and on here...but, to make a long story short...she insists it was just a clerical error and all taken care of.

They then transfer me to the insurance department and he rattles off all the details. I then ask him:

"Out of curiosity...what procedure am I cleared for..."

"A Vasectomy" he says casually.

Arrrrgghhh. Needless to say, I went through w/the procedure regardless -- but rest assured I asked at every opportunity and at every possible stage "what is being done today..." I asked the doctors, the nurses, the secretaries, the cleaning ladies....I spared no one.

Thankfully, they did the right procedure.

So, now to the procedure. Kelly drives me there and we get all checked in. They make me change into one of those hospital gowns, a humongous hair net that would have been able to cover Marge Simpson hair if necessary and some sweet brown grandpa socks with rubber tread on the bottom.

Kelly was oddly excited about the socks. I'm not real sure what excited her about them so much. I'll have to ask later.

Anyway, I'm anxious. And when I'm anxious, I tell jokes. For example, when the nurse gave me the nighty to wear, I ask "Do you want me to do that right here (in the lobby)....because, you know, people would pay good money for that..." Umm...I was nervous and anxious. I say these things when I get that way. I'm sure I said more...I just don't recall.

Finally they walk me back to the surgery room. They ask me some questions. I tell them I need to scratch my nose and they tell me that now would be a good time to do that. So, I scratch my nose.

Next thing I remember, I'm in some recovery room laying on my back. I kind of lift my head.

"Can I get you anything" says a nurse

"A beer" I recall saying. I remember I didn't want a beer. But for some reason, in my "base" state of functionality, I was trying to make jokes.

They bring Kelly back. I'm really groggy. I keep saying "I'm so confused"...because I was....I was just trying to scratch my nose and then I was waking up and they were saying they were done. Who wouldn't be confused?

Then the Nurse tells Kelly that are going to prescribe some medication called "pyromax" or something like that. In my inebriated state, I say "Arggh, matey!" Umm...apparently I made the leap from pyro to Pirate....so,naturally, I said "arggh, matey"....geez.

Kelly keeps telling me to shut up. Well...she didn't say shut up...just something along the lines of "Babe, just be quiet and rest" -- in, other words, 'shut up, honey, you are embarassing me'
At some point I get back in my regular clothes and am driven home. I have only a vague recollection of this. I sleep off the anesthesia...but, honestly, still feel kind of lethargic.

But, I'm counting my blessings. At least I didn't get a "bonus" Vasectomy.