Helplessness at the Barber....

I get a haircut about once a month. And, since Reagan was about 18 months old, I have usually taken one of the kids. I'm not sure why. I get kind of a kick out of taking them out with me on Saturday mornings. And, they've always been good. In fact, they are so perfect, people tell me how well-behaved they are. And, for some reason... the babies LOVE going to watch me get my haircut. I have no clue as to why.

Well, until this morning, I had never taken both of them. It has always been either Reagan or Luke individually. Well, I decided to take both of them this morning. The reasons were many... but, mostly, I wanted to give Kelly some time to herself and to get some things done she wanted to get done (she is in MAJOR nesting mode right now... everything has to get done and it has to get done this minute). So, I asked both babies to go with me.... and, of course, they both were raring to go the second I asked.

Kelly didn't like the idea. She told me not to take both of them. And I knew it would be easier to deal with just one... but... again... they've always been perfect when I've taken them with me... so, since they had each other for entertainment.... this could be even easier -- or so I convinced myself. The reality of the situation, however, contradicted my logic.

It started off well. I strolled into the barber shop with Reagan and Luke in tow. They immediately go to their seats and sit patiently. My confidence.... and pride.... at this point are soaring. The Barber lady asks me something... but her English was lacking and I don't really know what she said. Anyway, I just look at her and say "Yes, Haircut" and sit down in the chair. Well, then I realize that she must have been asking if she could give the kids a lollipop.

This was my first mistake. I should have stopped her. I would have preferred they got a lollipop after they were good and we left. But, to be honest, I didn't think she would understand if I explained that and, well, the lollipops were already in hand... so, basically, I was committed. And, besides, everything was going well at that point.

The barber lady starts cutting my hair. She gets about a quarter of the way done. It is at this point Luke decides he doesn't like his lollipop and starts saying "Daddy, I don't like it. I don't like it". Then, the barber lady realized what he was saying and went to get him another. I told her not to and tried to stop her... but, again, language barrier. He gets his new lollipop and eats it in, basically, one bite.

Haircut about 1/2 way done at this point. Luke starts whining. "I want another lollipop."

"Luke, Stop it." I say firmly but quietly. However, the frequency and the volume at which the whining was taking place steadily increased. And, now, the relatively empty barber shop that I had arrived at is filling with customers. All in time to hear my (normally charming and well-behaved) son whining loudly for a lollipop.

Now, I'm angry and upset with him. If we were in a grocery store or the mall... we would have packed it up and gone home. Kelly and I are big on maintaining the parental control. However, I soon realize, that the kids basically have me by the balls in this situation. I have a half haircut going on, a barber that doesn't speak English, and tons of people watching.... and I'm wrapped in one of those barber shop capes.

So, all the kids can see is Daddy's angry head. I'm trying to remain calm. Trying to be stern. Desperately trying to maintain control. But, Luke is not having it. He wants his frickin' lollipop and he's going to let the whole place know it. And, clearly, he's not afraid of Daddy's red-faced, half hair-cutted head poking out of my gay cape. I've re-created the scene for the picture above using one of the kid's dress up capes. As you can see, I mean business. I'm intimidating myself just looking at that picture. Luke, however.... was unimpressed.

So, at some point, I make the calculated decision to kind of let him whimper and hope he keeps it down while the barber finishes up my haircut. Unfortunately, she was taking (what seemed like) FOR-ever. At some point, Luke walks up to me crying and I told him to sit down. The Barber lady said something like, "Daddy say sit down".... she was trying to help and be nice... except she was from the part of China where everything they say sounds like they are angry.... even if they are not. They could be saying "Jesus Loves You" and it would sound like they were upset with you. So, it came out as, "DADDY SAY SIT DOWN!!!!". This was too much for Luke to handle and sends him running back crying to his seat. Now he's really loud and I'm embarassed and stewing... but, again... I'm still just a head poking out of a cape at this moment.... and I'm helpless. Seriously, helpless.

FINALLY, the haircut gets over and the lady takes the cape off. Luke gives me the kind of "oh, crap" look and I march right over to him. I don't even remember what I said... but I was firm. Then, I grab up the kids, pay the barber. She (again, trying to be nice) tries to give them another lollipop and I say something like NOOO.... none for him... But I let Reagan get one because she was perfect. Well, this sends Luke into orbit. He goes into full-blown meltdown. So, as soon as we get out the door, I got upset with him... but, for some reason... I guess it was because I was just talking to the barber lady that didn't speak English very well... I'm talking like her... I'm looking Luke right in the eyes and I'm saying, "WHY YOU ACT LIKE THAT? YOU NO ACT LIKE THAT! I EMBARASSED!"

Arggh. Completely...utterly discombobulated... I carry my freaking out son back to the car and further discipline him. Then, for some reason known only to God, he snaps out of it and apologizes... and says, "Daddy, I'm sorry for being rotten."

And, well, from that moment on.. I forgave him and we moved forward...and had a pretty good day.

So, the morals of this story are:

1. Always listen to your wife;


2. You lose your kids innate fear of your discipline in a barbers cape and 1/2 cut hair;


3. Learn to say "No Candy, please" in Chinese; and


4. No matter how rotten your kids can act... forgiveness is there for the asking.