My Addiction

You know those "just say no" classes they make you take in 6th grade. Ya, the ones where they teach you how to do all kinds of drugs you would have never thought about doing. I mean, you're 12 and they are teaching you about snorting coke and sniffing glue. Let me assure you, at that early age, I never considered the possibilities... but thanks to those classes, I now knew.

Well, I didn't learn much... other than that bong resin will cloud your synapses and make you dumber -- and possibly have the munchies. What I do remember is the "Signs and symptoms of Addiction".... I remember them so well, that I am ready to confess to you today that I have all the classics signs of addiction. My addiction, you ask? The Washington Redskins.

Like a crack addict, I was an addict early on when the highs were good. I was a rabid fan at the age of 6. I couldn't sleep the night of Super Bowl XVII (1983) when we (notice I say "we" -- I am part of the team) beat the Dolphins. I cried -- yes cried -- when we got dominated by Marcus Allen and the Raiders. To this day, I know Marcus Allen cheated. There is simply no other way he could run all over my Redskins like that. And I rejoiced when we enjoyed winning season after winning season throughout the 80's and early 90's (winning 2 more Super Bowl's).

Then, like a crack addict...the highs didn't last long enough. The other shoe dropped and now I am in misery year after freaking year as my Redskins are in a quagmire of losing, losing, losing. And like the addict...by the time I discovered the low's were much more severe than the high's, I was already hooked. An addict. A junkie. Desperately in need of rehab.

So, how do I know I'm hooked? Using my 6th grade knowledge, I submit to you today, the classic signs (Kelly can verify each and every one):

• Expressing feeling of exhaustion, depression, and hopelessness: Umm...after the Redskins lose, I am distraught. I'm depressed. In truth, I want to cry. I really do. I get a lump in my throat... I'm agitated. I am in the depths of despair.

• Engaging in secretive behaviors: You know how they say you're a drunk when you just want to do it by yourself in a closet somewhere? Well, that's just how I feel when watching the Redskins. I DON'T want to watch it with others. I prefer sitting in a room by myself with no distractions, focusing on the game...and only the game. No questions (it's taken my Mother-in-law years to learn this -- umm...well, actually she still hasn't learned this). Leave me alone. Let me watch. That way, if I have to throw my TV set through the window, I can do so without anyone seeing.

• Making inappropriate remarks: I don't swear. It's just not in my vocabulary. I never have the urge. Unless the Redskins are playing like a bunch of skirt-wearing girls and they make me swear! (well..my version... lot's of "frickin" "dagnabbits" "son of a biscuit" - you get the idea)

• Talking about your drug of choice and surrounding yourself with others that have the same habit: There are so few "real" Redskin fans.... and when I find one...I cling to them like a wet blanket.


• Angry outbursts, irratibility, manic behavior: When they are playing well or have just won, I'm on cloud 9... when they lose or are playing bad... I am rotten to be around.


• Uncharacteristically Violent: When I was 12 my brother walked in on the end of a game where the Eagles (who were not a good team at the time) had just beaten my team. He said "Holy Crap! The Redskins lost to the Eagles!" and he laughed. I punched him in the face. (and I'm sure I got my fair beating in return, I might add)

So, there you have it. I'm an addict. There's no turning back. I can't wait for the season to start -- even though I know it's going to give me some of my lowest low's of the year. But I also know it will give me some of the highest high's.

I know what you're thinking. You've acknowledged that you're an addict. You see the changes it makes in you. And you're a great father... So, surely, you are not going to introduce your children to this dreadful affliction.

WRONG! Went to training camp yesterday, pictures of kids with Chief Zee. Let the season begin!

HAIL TO THE REDSKINS!