Guys, it's time to take back Thanksgiving

For 2 centuries, Thanksgiving has been about family, friends and food. Of course, there's always been the turkey, the gravy, the sweet potatoes, and various horrendous dishes that your aunt insists everyone loves (seriously, who eats that green marshmallowy stuff...it's just gross). And for 2 centuries, for all that Thanksgiving is....it has just lacked a certain something. And that certain something is.... DANGER. Thankfully, however, this void has been filled in recent years by the most ingenious invention of our time.... the Turkey Fryer.

This year, I fried...err... survived frying my third turkey (this practically makes me a veteran). And it was magical. Nothing fuels your body with testosterone and adrenaline like a little danger.... and with a propane tank fueling an open flame pumping out serious heat that boils highly flammable oil that threatens to spill over at any minute... the Turkey Fryer delivers on some serious testosterone inducing danger!

In fact, the danger is so well-known that if you tell someone you are going to fry a turkey, you will start feeling like Ralphie from a Christmas Story (you know... "you'll shoot your eye out"). I told probably 10 people that I was going to fry a turkey this year and, inevitably, they will say 'be careful' or 'aren't those a huge fire hazard'....

And, well...yes.... yes, they are huge fire hazards.... but... that's kind of the idea... but with risk comes great reward.... and the truth is that no other method of cooking a turkey can rival frying it. It's just that good. Therefore...I declare... here and now... that every man must go out and buy a Turkey fryer of their very own. It's the suburban equivalent of climbing Everest. That is... dangerous.... but once you've done it... you'll be admired and exhalted by your peers (that is, the next door neighbors) and you'll be plotting your next conquest. And, in reality, I survived this year and can't wait for next year.

So men.... it's time to take back Thanksgiving. It's time to take the Turkey away from your wife... away from your mother... or away from your mother-in-law. No more of those unnatural oven bags that produce a soggy Turkey (do you think the Pilgrims used those? I think not). Say goodbye, once and for all to the Thanksgiving Turkey that is cooked in the relative safety of a modern kitchen (what fun is that?). We must re-introduce the danger that was present at the first Thanksgiving... We must be resolute.... and, from this point forward, we must all fry our Turkeys....

....Just be careful not to burn your house down.