Random Thoughts

OK... I've got a bunch of random stuff... not all blog worthy as individual subjects... but felt I should go ahead and share...

So, here they go....

1. The Scariest Pumpkin... ever: I was trying to think of something scary. Something real scary to carve in the pumpkin this year. I think I found it: http://www.brandijasmine.com/howto/craft/pumpkins/hillary01.html -- that's right... what's scarier than a Hillary pumpkin? Nothing. OK, I was serious about doing that this year... but Kelly discouraged me from doing it. First off, she was afraid the neighbors wouldn't get the the joke and think I was a Hillary supporter (I'm not)... and then, if they did... the might not think it was funny. Oh.. and the whole thing about it being about the kids was kind of a buzzkill, too. But... don't let that discourage you... if you feel so led... Please, by all means, make your Hillary jack-o-lantern.


2. Speaking of Hillary... I highly recommend the following: http://hillarynutcracker.com/completelynuts.html


3. The Office is -- hands down -- the funniest show on television. It's not even close. I haven't laughed this hard at a television show since "Bachelorettes in Alaska".... seriously. If you haven't watched it yet.... do yourself a favor... watch it. If you need to borrow my Season 1 DVD... just ask!


4. OK... so fans of the Office know that Michael Scott is "the boss"... well, anyway... the Redskins suffered a brutal, brutal loss this weekend to the hands of the New England Patriots -- whose head coach has clearly made a deal with the devil to be that good. Anyway, my pain is best explained by Michael Scott... who expressed similar misery at losing an employee by stating: "it feels like somebody took my heart and dropped it into a bucket of boiling tears and, at the same time, somebody else is hitting my soul in the crotch with a frozen sledgehammer. And then, a third guy walks in and starts punching me in the grief bone, and I am crying, and nobody can hear me because I'm terribly, terribly... terribly alone." Ya...it's kind of like that after a Redskins loss like that. Only worse.


5. Speaking of The Office...my co-worker Jason and I are obsessed with a very "Office" like assignment. We have an M&M gumball machine in our office. You know the kind... the machines that sell gumballs on one side and Peanut M&M's on the other and "claim" that their profits go to helping the homeless or the handicapped of whatever. Well, anyway, each time we put in our quarter, we are testing methods with each spin to see how to maximize the output of M&M's. We've tried turning the dial at slow, medium or fast rotations. We've tried combining any of the above rates of rotations with no shaking, gentle shaking or violent shaking of the machine to find out the machines "sweet spot" for coughing up the maximum amount of M&M's. The standard output seems to be 9 M&M's, with a low of 7 and a high of 11. Today, the vending man just happened to come into the office.... Jason and I cornered him and started peppering him with questions and demanded the trick... because, you know, all carnival games have a trick and the M&M dispenser is a game of skill... right? Anway, the consensus thus far -- and confirmed by the carnie ... uhh... I mean vending machine man -- is to do a quick and emphatic rotation of the dial ensuring you bring the dial to it's mechanical completion. Shaking of the machine appears to have no impact. I'll keep you posted on this one.


6. Colorblind Update: Cinnamon is, in fact, brown... not red. My question is then this... why do candy makers always make Cinnamon flavored confections red? It's little tricks like this by "the man" that try to keep color blind people down.


7. Seriously... "The Office"... watch it. "That is a perfectly good mini-Christmas tree. We are going to sell that to charity because that's what Christmas is all about..." Quote from Michael Scott. Hilarious.

Alright... that's all I got... Enjoy your Hillary nut cracker.

Help for Pregnant Women all around the world...

If you are pregnant or have been pregnant or...even know someone that has been pregnant (I have basically described every possible citizen of the United States)... you know how difficult it can be to get around. And you know it is especially difficult to climb steps.

Well, in our house, we spend the majority of the time on our bottom level...meaning, at night, Kelly (who is now 8 months pregnant) has to climb 3 full flights of stairs to get to the bedroom (on level #3). This means Kelly is often out of breath, tired and spent by the time she gets to the top level. And I'm certain Kelly is not the only one in this area that struggles with this unique Northern Virginia problem (where, if you don't have 3 levels and granite counter tops, people are bringing you canned goods on Thanksgiving).

So, pregnant women of the world rejoice... I have solved the problem for you with a unique partner technique to take the load off -- so to speak -- when climbing the steps. I have named this load-bearing approach, appropriately enough, "The Elevator"...

Now, to give a visual of this approach, please see the above picture... it will help explain. At any rate, here's how it works. I make a "seat" with my right arm by flexing it (my biceps are humongous... so weenie men might not be able make this work) into a fixed "L" position. Kelly then takes a seat on the "L".... I then force her up the stairs. Now, your wife will laugh uncontrollably the first few times you do this. However, after awhile... it will become second nature and she will be demanding "the elevator"...

So, there you have it. No more huffing and puffing up the stairs. Please note, Snow White was not harmed in the demonstration photographed above. I'll be here all week if you need any more pregnancy tips.

Redskins Season Tickets...

I got a letter in the mail from the Redskins earlier this week. I've gotten them before. They are usually trying to sell me some commemorative plate from the Franklin Mint (because, you know, a 6-10 season is worth commemorating with a deluxe hand painted, gold-trimmed collector's plate "sure to increase in value"). Or, if my name hasn't been pimped out to some company and it's a genuine letter from the Redskins, it's trying to sell me "club" level seats that cost more than buying a Lexus. So, I usually just toss them out when I receive them.

But something about this letter struck me as being a bit different. So, I opened this one up.

"Dear Waitlist Member" the letter began... Could this be the letter, I thought to myself? The one I've been waiting on for nearly a decade? You see, the Redskins... despite a decade of giving me nothing but pure misery have a season ticket waitlist that is somewhat legendary. Before Daniel Snyder (aka "The Danny" -- the love him/hate him owner of the Redskins), the list supposedly had a 30 year wait or something ridiculous like that. So, I put my name on the list shortly before Kelly and I got married... nearly 10 years ago (and I've added it numerous times since then -- you know, just in case they didn't get me the first time). I figured that, by the time I actually got offered season tickets, I might actually be able to afford them -- and having season tickets to the Redskins has really been a lifelong dream of mine.

Well, "The Danny" has jacked up the stadium to seat nearly 93,000 people (and had some rough years)... so the wait on the "waitlist" is apparently right at about 10 years now. Still, a very long time.

Anyway, I got excited as I continued to read the letter... sure enough... the letter informed me that I was near the top of the list and to put a deposit down for the 2008 season. My initial reaction was that the letter's timing was kind of unforunate, because my time frame of "being able to afford it" required that I be 50 years old with an empty nest and enjoying the start of our "second honeymoon."

So, with a new baby on the way, an impressive Northern VA mortgage and other responsibilities, I just didn't think much of it... I just put the letter aside and didn't really think about it until the next morning.

Then, while I was at work, I started thinking about it again. And I realized that I just kind of dismissed it and had this knee jerk reaction that it wasn't feasible and affordable and hadn't really thought it through. I remembered back to the time when I put our name on the waiting list....

Kelly and I were just about to get married. I was working in an awful job as an account executive at a Radio Station. Kelly was still in school and had another year to go. I was making glorious money, at least $20,000 a year, and saving every last penny of it (literally) to afford our honeymoon. By the grace of God, I was able to save enough to pay for the honeymoon (paid the travel agent in 40 $100 bills -- that's another story for another day) and I was somehow able to afford to put a security deposit down AND first months rent on our first apartment... all while making my payment (12 months same as cash, baby!) on the engagement ring I had purchased from the only store dumb enough to give me credit to buy it. And, we basically made it -- debt-free I might add, on about zippy dollars. And it was good!

We didn't have much. No scratch that... we had nothing... tangible that is. No savings or investments, no impressive cars, no homeownership and certainly no extra money. But we did have each other. We had our dreams of starting our life together. And we rested firm in the fact that God was in control and not us.

The past decade has been good to us. God has provided more than we ever could have asked or imagined. In the last 10 years, God has entrusted us with 2 beautiful children and another one on the way. Vocationally, I have found a career that I greatly enjoy, thrive at and get paid well to do it. Within 3 years of putting my name of the "waitlist", I went from being a lowly Sales Executive of a classic rock radio station to -- unbelievably -- becoming the Vice President of a multi-million dollar company. And when it became apparent that we wanted to move up to the Northern Virginia, I was able to use those credentials to land a job with a wonderful company (and get paid better to do it). All the while, the bond between Kelly and I has grown deeper each and every day. I can honestly say, unequivocally, that I married my best friend and love her infinitely more now than I did the day that I said "I do"...

So, my point is that our first 10 years as a married couple has been good to us and, realistically...the tickets aren't out of reach... they are, indeed...gasp....AFFORDABLE!!!!

So, I thought about it all day... and basically decided that I wanted to do it... to check this particular "lifelong dream" off of my checklist (no, I don't actually have a real "lifelong dream" checklist...but, just work with me here). So, I go home, and tell Kelly "Hey, I think I want to do the Season tickets thing."

Now, I'm guessing that most wives would throw up objection after objection as to why that is a stupid idea. I'm sure most of the reasons would revolve around the money being better spent on items from Bed, Bath and Beyond or the Pottery Barn or something. But my wife, you see, is awesome.

Without hesitating, she said: "Yes, I want you to! It's been your lifelong dream to have Redskins season tickets..."

And that, my friends...is why my wife is awesome. Unselfish, fully trusting and just wanting to make me happy.

So, it is with great joy that I announce, to all 12 readers (I'm increasing my readership each and every day) of the Faircloth Five blog... that the Faircloth family will be Redskins season ticket holders... ahh... can't wait! "Kelly, You are awesome" Cards can be sent to: 42990 Mill Race Terrace, Leesburg, VA 20176.

Weird Dreams

I've had some weird dreams in my life... but last night was different and definitely kind of weird. So, rewind to a few hours ago, in the wee hours of the night... I'm sleeping away and I'm dreaming. In my dream, I'm trying to make Kelly laugh. And the way I'm trying to make Kelly laugh is by wearing a pair of her booty shorts. And I wasn't just wearing her short shorts...I was singing... a Bon Jovi song!

So, picture me in my dream, wearing shorts that are already short on Kelly and I'm singing "You give love a bad name" at the top of my lungs. I'm sure you could have done without that mental image I've just painted for you. But wait... this isn't the weird part. I would TOTALLY put on a pair of daisy dukes and sing songs from any band if I thought it would make Kelly laugh. I really would. In fact, I've done weirder to make her laugh... I'll spare you those details.

Anyway, in my dream, I'm singing loudly in Kelly's booty shorts and then something wakes me up. It was Kelly laughing (since being pregnant, she talks and does stuff in her sleep). I immediately look at her. Sure enough, she was sound asleep. So, either she was laughing at something funny in her dream... OR she was somehow in MY dream, laughing at me! What are the chances of that?

So, I've spent much of the morning wondering... does Kelly participate in my other dreams. Has she, too, played an underwear-clad Al Roker in tennis? Has she not only FOUND Waldo, but also dined with him at Chuck E' Cheese as I have? Has she.... well, you get the idea.

I'll keep you posted on this one.