The Faircloth Five (...plus one): If you give a mouse a cookie

My kids have this book... it's called: "If you give a mouse a cookie..." Basically, it's the story of a mouse who just wants a cookie... and then, when you give him the cookie... he needs a glass of milk... and then when you give him the milk... he needs something else... and so on and so on and so on. Though not its intention, it's a great little allegory of the materialism that consumes our society and should be required reading for all of my Northern Virginia brethren desperately trying to keep up with the Jones's (but.. that's too deep for now).

Anyway... Kelly recently decided that she wanted an alarm system installed. We live in a really safe area, but Kelly watched too many "America's Most Wanted" when she was a kid -- and anybody that knows me knows that I'm gonna keep Kelly happy (because, you know the saying... if Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy -- well that and because I love her and want to... but that doesn't sound as manly).

So, I researched all the alarm options: ADT, Brinks, APX, Honeywell, etc. All required a 3 year contract at around $40 a month and would have cost around $500 for the extra options to secure the whole house. But then I found this great system online (I love the Internet). Basically, complete system for about $400 including all the options I needed and it included 18 months of monitoring for free (and only $12 a month after that). A really good deal. All I had to do was set it up, run it through my broadband and... presto... Alarm hooked up, home fully secured and wife completely happy. And the setting up was really easy... it was the stuff that happened before setting up that's blog worthy.

I set aside an entire day to get the thing set up. Kelly left and took the babies to the grandparents for the day. So, she walks out the door and the first thing I need to do is move the desk out from the wall.

Now, a bit about this desk. It was one of the first "big" purchases when we first got married ($300 when we first got married might as well have been 5 grand we were that poor) and we wanted to make sure we bought something real sturdy. And sturdy this battleship of desk was. It weighed about 10,000 pounds.... and was made of particle board (apparently particle board laced with lead) so, it was not the "best" construction.... just really, really obscenely heavy.

The first time I had to move it from our apartment to our first house, I hated it... I thought I was going to die. Then, when we moved from that house to our next house, I tried to convince Kelly that we should get rid of it. But she loved that desk and would have nothing of it (of course, she was not the one who had to carry it up to the 2nd level... but I digress). Then, when we moved into our first house up here, I tried again to convince Kelly to let us get rid of it. "Nonsense" she would say... "It's a perfectly fine desk..." So, then we took it to that house and I tried to get away with leaving it in the basement. Unfortunately, that didn't fly. So, yet again, I had to lug that thousand pound beast up a flight of stairs. And, lastly, when we moved to this house, I begged for us to get rid of it. No go. So, in our house it sat until Sunday when I started this process.

No sooner had Kelly pulled out of the driveway when I tried to move the desk... just ever so slightly and then I heard a loud "CCCCcccccccccrrrraaaaccccccckkkkk!!!!"

"Uh OH!" I knew what I had done and after surveying the damage knew it was finished. And, really, I didn't do it on purpose (though, the scene in "The Christmas Story" where the Mom "accidentally" destroys her husband's "leg lamp" certainly came to mind). Here's a picture I took shortly after doing the damage:

So, I make a quick decision and run to Target and find a cool Pottery Barn/Restoration Hardware-ish type desk. Purchase made for the bargain price of $135. Oh, and I pick up a filing cabinet at Walmart for $30 because the old desk had one integrated into it.

So, then, I take the desk home, assemble it, get the alarm all hooked up (I'm the "man", by the way... I hooked up a freaking alarm over a broadband connection and can do all kinds of cool stuff with it -- like turn out lights over the internet. If you see Kelly, be sure to remind her that her husband is the "man").

Then, I quickly realize that the new desk doesn't look as good without the $70 hutch attachment and the walls look glaringly bare. So Kelly goes and picks up the hutch and a picture.... $50. So, the running tally (not including the alarm) is $285.

Then, it becomes apparent that with the super trendy desk and the too cool $50 picture that we can't possibly put our old behemoth 1995 monitor on that desk. So, being the frugal shopper I am, I scan craigslist and find some guy selling a 19" widescreen LCD, a brand new computer (practically) and a printer/scanner/copier (still in box, never opened) for $350. So, I know a deal when I see one... and go pick it up.... in Germantown, MD.

Then, I realize one way to get to Germantown is to take White's Ferry and that it would be really cool to take the kids (telling them it would be like riding "Bulstrode" from Thomas the Tank Engine)... so I ask them to join me (well, Reagan and Luke... Will stayed at home with Kelly). The fare, roundtrip is only $6. Well, the guy was a little late... so I had time to burn and took the kids to McDonalds ($10).

So, the final tally... (this is starting to sound like one of those "priceless" Mastercard commercials)... $651.... so... the moral of this story is... drumroll..... "if you give a mouse a cookie... he's going to want a glass of milk...."