Fruit and Yogurt Parfait and Lasik Surgery

The Breakfast menu at McDonalds is a sea of delights for any man. There is just so much good stuff to choose from...shall I have the Big Breakfast with sausage, pancakes and eggs? Or perhaps an egg mcmuffin with hasbrowns and coffee? Not hitting me? Well, in that case there is always the Mcgriddles, the biscuits, the breakfast burrito's -- you name it. There something up there for every man and for the 30 plus years I've walked this earth, McDonalds has never let me down.

Why then on God's green earth did I step up to the cashier on Saturday and utter the words: "Fruit and Yogurt Parfait, please"...????? I mean, I knew what I was doing was wrong -- so, so wrong (cue the music: Chris Isaak's "Baby did a bad, bad thing"). I wouldn't even make eye contact with the cashier. I fiddled nervously with my wallet. I felt like an 18 year old trying to buy beer with a fake license (not that I've ever done that...but my wife has told me about it ;- ). Kelly even teased me for ordering one. What made me sink so low -- when confronted with an infallible menu of manly breakfast fare -- as to order a (gasp) Fruit and frickin' Yogurt Parfait?

Two words: Lasik Surgery

To fully understand how I sunk to such lows...some background: without corrective lenses of some sort, I've basically been blind my whole life. Can't see a thing. And I stopped wearing contacts on a regular basis shortly after college (about 10 years ago). So I was blind as a bat until I put on my glasses after getting dressed.

That all stopped when my wife finally convinced me to get the Lasik surgery done a few months ago. A couple of days later (it took a couple of days for the post-surgery haziness to clear up), I'm stepping out of the shower and catch a 20/20 glimpse of a fatty in my mirror. Yikes! It was me, 10 years removed from my last consistent physical activity and, man, did it show.
Where had the six pack gone that I had in high school go? Or the 4 1/2 pack I maintained through college? Well, It was clearly left in the dust of a decade sitting at my office desk eating ho-ho's for breakfast and God knows what for lunch. So, the six pack is long gone. There's no hope of that returning (unless we're talking about a sixer of Guiness in the 'fridge -- in that case....game on). But, thanks to Lasik, I am committed to at least making an effort to keep from turning into a Fatty Arbuckle.

So, I've started running.

I've started eating an apple for breakfast.

I've started to show some restraint and not to demolish every ounce of food on my plate at restaurants (it's not a contest, right?).

And, apparently, I've started ordering Fruit and Yogurt Parfait's at McDonalds.

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Epilogue: Fruit and Yogurt Parfait's are yummy. You should try one. Just do it in secret and remember...do not make eye contact with the cashier

The most dramatic rose ceremony yet...

My wife and I agree on many things. Where to go on vacation, what car to buy, how to decorate our house (which is to let her do whatever she wants), how to raise our children and even what shows we watch on TV.

I've already admitted to American Idol and re-runs of The Wonder Years. Some of our other favorites include mostly reality shows simply because they are easy to watch and I don't need to invest my life in them (basically I'm saying that "they have a good beat and I can dance to them). You name it... Survivor, The Amazing Race, Flip This House, Big Brother and Extreme Makeover: Home Edition - we watch and/or Tivo them all.

Nah, wait..I'm kidding about that last one. Neither of us can handle the copious amounts of pure Velveeta that Extreme Makeover: Home Edition doles out every week. We stopped watching that one after realizing that the obnoxious surfer carpenter dude with the megaphone (I confess, I do know his real name is Ty Pennington -- why is it that stuff sticks in my head but I can't remember bible verses to save my life?) got all self-righteous every week. Both of us want to just vomit at the end of the show when he would whisper the same "Welcome home, Smith family, welcome home." Sanctimonious, self-righteous drivel. Barf. Seriously. So that is one show we have crossed of our lists. This we agree on.

However, there is one reality show in particular that I simply refuse to watch and my wife has simply refused to let go. That show is The Bachelor. A mea culpa on my part. I watched the first few years of this show. Yes, I admit...I checked my balls at the door and watched several seasons of this show. However, unlike Amazing Race or Big Brother, where each season gets better than the one before.... this show became simply intolerable to me.

Seriously, how many of the "most dramatic rose ceremony yet" can one man sit through. Apparently, my limit was around 75. I'm guessing that most men would answer zero. Well, I'm either pretty secure in my manhood or more in touch with my feminine side... but I made it through too, too many of these mind numbing episodes. And after so many shows, I think it is safe to say that The Bachelor is one show that will make you certifiably dumber after having watched it. I think some research scientist in Helsinki actually proved this.

So, that brings me to earlier this week. I have refused to watch any bit of this season's The Bachelor and have asked my wife to Tivo it and just watch it on her sparetime. She is an amazing woman and she obliges for the sake of my sanity (and manhood). However, I have caught bits and pieces of it here and there -- usually when the show is finishing up and I've just got back from a run or something. Basically, from what I've seen, you've got some dude who seems completely devoid of any personality and humor. He seems to have some odd combination of plastic surgery and/or Botox....he just has this odd perma-glow look about him. While he seems OK looking enough, I just don't see how he's this TV-worthy catch. I mean, he's no third string Giants quarterback.

But I digress. So, earlier this week I get back from a run (well, I cut short a run because of some shin issues) and Kelly is finishing up the final episode of The Bachelor. Immediately, I start busting on the show and this guy on the show that is just a complete and total toolbox. I don't even know what I'm saying...but I'm sure it was funny. Kelly just ignores me. I chuckle to myself....then she hits pause and looks up at me and says: "I'm sorry, I'm not listening to you, what did you say?"

I'm a smart man and I know my wife likes this show...so I apologize and tell her to just keep ignoring me and I sit next to her with my laptop to check my email. I was trying to be on my best behavior. I really was.

Then, I hear the plastic surgery boy say "I knew she was the one when she made the collage for me..." and I can't help it at that point. I start cracking up. I mean, only on Reality TV can some girl make a dude a collage and then she becomes marrying material. A collage? Is this second grade? Did she make him a mobile out of a coat hanger and yarn, too? Was paste used? These thoughts run quickly through my head....but, remember, I'm trying to be on my best behavior, so I try to hold it in. I just end up shaking the couch with my convulsions of laughter with no sound. Kelly simply couldn't take this anymore and finally said "Would you please stop!"

But it wasn't what she said. It was how she said it....which made me crack up even more. Imagine giving a starved dog a fresh bone. Now imagine trying to take that same bone away from that starved dog. You'll get a desperate reaction. That was the tone of her "Would you please stop!"

I had seen this same look before....and I knew she meant business. Once when the kids were both under 2, we were all in the Grocery checkout line and Kelly picked up an "US" magazine and started reading and I could tell she was reveling in this brief moment of escape. She was exhausted from having 2 babies 14 months apart and reading the US magazine was a much-needed respite for her. However, the kids were getting out of control and I needed to put the groceries onto the conveyor belt thing and I said "Can you help me out?" and, literally, before I could get the words out, she had that starved dog reaction getting its bone taken away and blurted out "I just want to finish!"

Yikes. Anyway. She cracks up about that now and I told her at the time she would laugh about it later. I should note that I got her a 1 year subscription to "US" Magazine within a few days after that. You gotta keep mama happy...you know the saying "if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy"

So, back to The Bachelor....the next day she was cracking up about being so feisty over such a silly show. And this is one of the reasons I love her so much....once removed from the moment, she can laugh about it. Having said that, however, I think she's ready for some more of the "most dramatic rose" ceremonies yet. I, on the other hand, will continue to pass.

An American Idol Conversation

I watch American Idol. It's hard to admit, but I've watched it since Season One. There. I said it. I realize I have now completely exposed my inner gayness. Anyway, my beautiful wife and I are watching the an episode recently and we had the following conversation:

Me: Oh, I read that Paula Abdul broke her nose this weekend.

Kelly: What? If that's true, why isn't she wearing a cast?

Me: I don't think they have casts for a broken nose.

Kelly: Yes, they do they have those things (she pantomimes a strap thing on her nose)

Me: Ok, well, maybe she took it off for the show.

Kelly: Well, duh!

Me: completely confused and apparently my face showed it (because....)

Kelly: cracks up because she realizes the impossibility of answering her questions.

This is a fairly normal occurence at our house... it certainly keeps me on my toes.

Why I want to name my next daughter Winnie Cooper

GWENDOLYNE "WINNIE" COOPER FAIRCLOTH?

OK. I admit it. I had a huge crush on Winnie Cooper growing up. I mean, what 13 year old boy in 1988 didn't? I certainly did. My best friend Mike (more stories on him to come) did. In fact, mention the name "Winnie Cooper" to any guy that grew up while that show was on and they will instantly smile. And I know why. They might not admit it....but, seriously...Winnie Cooper wore go-go boots and fishnet stockings to the first day of seventh-grade. As a 12-13 year old boy that watched that show from the start, that was the point of no return for me. The love story of Kevin Arnold and Winnie Cooper -- while often tortured and drawn out -- is really a microcosm of what we all long for in a relationship. We desire innocence, virtue, beauty, adventure and a good dose of humor.

In fact, one of the quotes that I love most from the Wonder Years comes from Kevin Arnold when he is older (as the narrator of the show). He says:

"All our young lives we search for someone to love. Someone who makes us complete. We choose partners and change partners. We dance to a song of heartbreak and hope... all the while wondering if somewhere, somehow, there's someone perfect... who might be searching for us."

We all know Kevin was talking about Winnie. I recently sent this quote to Kelly (my wife) and told her that she was my Winnie Cooper. Which is so completely true. My wife is my Winnie Cooper. I was searching for her and she was searching for me -- and, thankfully, we found each other.

She has child-like innocence and virtue, undeniable beauty, a desire for adventure and, often, is laugh-out loud funny. It's those characteristics that made her so irresistibly attractive to me. It's no coincidence that those were the were the traits that made Winnie Cooper so irresistibly attractive to me when I was younger. These are also the same traits that I would desire in my daughter: innocence, virtue, beauty, adventurous spirit and humor. So, if our next child (due in November) is a girl -- I'll be pushing hard for Winnie Cooper. Winnie Cooper Faircloth. I love it. I have 6 months to convince my wife. Pray for me.